shadow play

october you were insane. thanks for breaking me down so i could remember how to get back up again.

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but if feeling anything means anything, i’d rather believe it does not.

flax seeds and other healthy fats

i’ve been working on trying to being a better version of myself, and now that i’m a little stable, i feel a lot less entertaining lol. this blog lost its appeal to me once i realized that people i knew were actually reading this. i became insecure and filled with thoughts of having to abide to a specific style of writing. i did the thing i’m very good at and started retreating back into my hermit cave.
*opens up once > regrets everything > dies*

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save me

i will consume consume consume consume consume consume consume consume until there is nothing left

only to search for something else to preoccupy my brain and fill the unending black hole that constantly wants more

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my hands are stuck in a flicking state

eyes hypnotized by the blue glare

numb me

moonstruck

These past few days I’ve been able to actually partake in regular-people things, like watch Dr. Strange in theatres and indulge in butter flavored oil drizzled popcorn, watch my talented friends discuss and showcase their work in the East Room as well as other speakers, and eat salty cute skewered foods. Everyday is a constant struggle of convincing myself it will be okay, and even though I still immerse myself in existential crises after another, I’m still grateful for the people in my life and the days I get to spend struggling with my impending doom with them. Breathing is not an easy feat but our body is programmed to continue otherwise.

anxiety asylum

Not sure if I was manic for a couple of weeks, but things are back to looking bleak. Although it’s completely unfair and an inaccurate portrayal of myself to disappear and only come back to cry about my feelings.

I’ve been working on multiple projects which I can’t even seem to grasp right now mainly because of this ugly brain fog that looms over me. Is it the depression or the meds? Not sure. I honestly just feel stupid. My cognitive skills are depleting. Meep moop bloop zoop.

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as the additional serotonin from an attempt at adding 5-HTP to my life only resulted in a messy landslide, trump won the american election and i’d say half the country feels the same. although i am not an american citizen, i fear for many of the minorities and their lives. as a WOC, canadian or not, i still feel the jabs of “inconveniently” not being white. may we have the strength to stay up and support each other to make a difference.